If you've ever bought a house, applied for a car loan, needed a cashier's check, or tried to wire money abroad, then you know that the easiest part for all of this is having the money. The hard part is banks. Banks suck. I hate banks. I can't tell you how many times I found myself in a bank in tears when I was buying Casa de Ranchito, but it was a lot. Usually these tears, fueled by frustration, rage, and impotence to change the situation, are set off by the evilest of all people- outranking even lawyers- branch managers and head tellers!
You see, a lawyer knows the law, but realizes when he doesn't know the law, he should check a big dusty book, or have one of his underpaid peons do it for him. When a banker doesn't know something, it's your fault. And if they don't have the correct information it's always "a few extra days."
Case in point: today, at the Studio City branch of a bank we shall call Fells Wargo, so that I may avoid litigation, I talked to their manager about an international wire transfer I needed to complete today. Actually, I started by going to a desk where I was informed I needed to see a teller, then I went to a teller who looked at me startled and handed me a form. She could offer no help in filling out said form, so I went to one of those tables with the attached pens and attempted to do it myself. I thought I had done a pretty bang up job, so I went to talk to another teller. Confused, he motioned for the manager, who started by looking over my paperwork and informing me that Paris is in the UK.
Paris.
in the UK.
This is new information for me, I was under the distinct impression they were in France. I tried to explain this to her, but she insisted that there was no England, only UK. I quickly responded that France was not in England, it was another country, and a part of the Europe mainland. She seemed to get it, so we proceeded. She took me to another computer and looked over my forms. She had questions about every number and letter I entered. She tried entering some herself, and when I caught her in a mistake she told me she was dyslexic. A dyslexic banker. I don't even need to make a joke about that, it is the joke. From that point on my eyes stayed glued to her every pen swipe and her every key stroke. Finally, she attempted to pull up the bank information in her computer- and started by selecting country: United Kingdom.
Some people will not be convinced easily.
I told her to use France as the country, and again she stated that France is not a country, it's called UK. I then told her to flip to the "F" portion of the list. Do you want to guess what we found there? Anyone? Anyone? If you guessed "France" you can give yourself a nice pat on the back and thank your lucky stars that you've been watching international politics with some modicum of interest for about 300 years. The last I heard of anyone trying to merge these two marvelous nations was in a Shakespearean play. Finally, we had the country selected and we attempted to enter the "BIC" number for the bank. For those of you not well versed in international banking, this is like a routing number. Unfortunately, this is where my rage at Fells Wargo falls apart, as I presume human error outside of myself and the woman "assisting" me is responsible for the fact that a different bank comes up in the system when you enter the BIC number I was given by the landlords. I finally returned home in a huff to try calling the central number for Fells Wargo and talking to their Wire Transfer department.
After that, the story accelerates towards a finish. I was denied phone access to making a wire transfer, but the man in that department gave me their number, and told me to call from the bank if there was any problem. I went to the branch near my house, armed with information, and aside for some minor mixups, my wire is now supposed to be at the ready. Unfortunately, I did miss the 1pm cut off time because no one told me about it at the first bank, and there's still no garauntee that the wire is going to the right place, but given all the information I was able to provide, it may just take "a few extra days."
But seriously, banks suck.
