It occurred to me today that I haven’t really talked about the fact that I am moving back to Los Angeles in less than a week. I haven’t really explained my reasons for moving back, or talked about the experience, and I’d like to do just that. All my life everything I have attempted, success was pretty much assured. I’m not saying this out of arrogance, but mainly from the fact that I haven’t really done that much in this life that I wasn’t sure I was going to succeed at from the get go, I haven’t really risked failure. I want to sing? Easy! I want to act? Great! I’m going to dance a little, too? No problem! Others may have thought they were taking a risk on me (especially with the dancing) but I knew. I’m not saying I’ve reached some pinnacle of skill or fame from the things I’ve tried in this life, but I’ve enjoyed them, and gotten back often more than I put in.
But the things I had never tried? The things I had often thought about, but wussed out of before they even began? Well... I had been meaning to get around to them, really. Then came Paris. I thought I could just move here and instantly make friends, become fluent in the language, find a job, and make it fit. The only fear and hesitation I ever had about any of it was the fear of failure. To tell everyone about it, to shout it from the rooftops, then to come back to LA? It made me nervous. Truly, when I decided not to try to stay, I felt like I had failed somehow, and it took me weeks to shake the feeling and embrace the blessings.
Blessing number 1- I tried. I came. I didn’t apply to a ton of jobs, I never got the language partner I meant to get, all of my new friends are wonderful, and none of them are french. It doesn’t matter, I did some stuff and it was all a part of the process. And if I had gotten a job, if it fell in my lap, if I got home and got an offer to do what I love anywhere in the world I would take it. If I met the man of my dreams tomorrow and he said we should move to Argentina I would totally go. I learned how cool and really easy it is to do it. I would gladly do it again, and I’m sure I will always look forward to coming back to LA at the end, much as I do now. Also, if there’s a next time for this long or longer, the dogs have to come. It is so hard here without them.
Blessing number 2- Guess what? I’m a grown up! It hit me hard when I got here how much of my life in LA was slipping through the cracks back home. I’ve come a long way in this regard, but there is so much room for improvement. I have ignored a lot thinking it would just work itself out. Oi. I actually look forward to coming back and dealing with this stuff. I get exhausted just thinking about it, too. Maybe it will be less exhausting when I only have to deal with it in little pieces, as it comes, instead of all at once. If I do “run away” again, I will wrap up loose ends better. I kind of think I’m done with the running away though, only running to from now on.
Blessing number 3- I love my job. I really miss it. Surely, part of this is the paycheck. Money makes me happy; I admit it. However, I can’t wait to start working again and I hope to push myself more towards working on independent projects and honing my craft, not just my bank account.
Blessing number 4- Wanderlust. I am going to see the world. A few years ago when I was a waitress or receptionist, and frequently unemployed, and trying to get jobs to fit in with trips I wanted to take, someone I respect told me that it’s only a vacation if you’re taking a break from something. I took it to heart, but now that I have a career I have to remember that if I take a week off between long assignments I will still have work! And it’s not expensive, it is doable, and a flight to Europe doesn’t cost that much more than a flight to Arkansas. I am already making a list. Who wants to dog sit?
I'm sure there's even more, and it's all still hitting me and becoming clear, and sometimes I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE. Especially when I think of how close I am to... oh... everywhere else in Europe. Or when I think about sitting in traffic instead of sitting in the Metro. But then I think about Los Angeles, Spotty, Hops, my amazing friends, my awesome job and the cool people I've worked with, not freezing to death when I run, these are good things. I am happy and excited.
It's not failure that you're leaving -- you tried something and you had an experiece and now you're moving on to something else.
I'm proud of you -- it takes serious strength to up and move to a new country and you did it.
Posted by: Amanda | December 30, 2005 at 05:08 AM
It's been an interesting read... your journal. I've done two trips like yours, although work related. Two months in Puerto Rico and 1 and a Half months in Ireland. I've lived by myself for the last 4 years and did the two trips mentioned above solo, but it's really ironic how much you learn about yourself when your out of your element. Oh yea... still waiting for the Jim Morrison's pics :) Have a happy new year and a safe flight home. Off to drink the night away.
Posted by: :) | December 30, 2005 at 04:25 PM
i am so proud & happy for you ! you will never have to say " if only ......" or " I wish I would have......". sometimes being a grown up sucks, but its all just a part of the process. have a wonderful, safe new year much love, cheryl lynn
Posted by: cheryl lynn | December 31, 2005 at 12:58 PM