Femme on Fire

Dripping in Jewels.

I have received Jewelry from men in the past and I have always loved it. First of all, it's just a really, really sweet thing to do. Second of all, the men in my life have always been able to tell enough about my tastes to get me something that is just perfect for me. Y'all are good guys. But you know, no piece of jewelry has ever reflected so much of my tastes and personality as the watch that Rick got me today, for my birthday.

Yes, I'm a big dork. When did I become such a jock that the main gifts I received this birthday are a tricked out running watch, a bike, and personal trainer sessions? And I'm ecstatic about all three!

Now off to get my ass kicked by the trainer. Happy 29 to me!

Friday Five

1. What is one healthy food you really, really like?
I love berries. I love most fruit, but berries are like little candies that it's okay to eat by the handful. Mmmm. Berries.

2. In what area of your life are you especially well-organized?
Work. I'm really good at organizing, but I'm never motivated without getting paid for it.

3.Who is someone you’ve managed to stay in touch with?
My best friend from high school. We don't talk that often, but we are in touch.

4. What bad habit were you able to break (or what vice were you able to give up), and what was it like going through that change?
I used to smoke. I smoked for four years, and I tried to quit a few times. Finally, I decided to quit and it just *felt* different. I don't remember distinctively, I don't think there was much distinctive about it, I was just ready. When I think back I was living in a rental house at the time that I lived in for one year. In April I quit smoking. It must have been very soon after that that I joined Weight Watchers for the first time. By October or November I was at my goal weight. In December I embarked upon my first serious relationship. It was a big year for change.

5. Someone out there, whether you know it or not, wishes he or she were more like you in some way. What is it he or she most likely admires you for?
I do big things. For some reason doing something like burlesque or running a marathon doesn't seem like a big deal to me. What I admire is the ability to come up with those ideas- someone else suggested each thing to me.

Affirmations

I'm going back to Weight Watchers tomorrow. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, because it's starting to dawn on me that this may be my usual mistake in this area. The fact is I don't have to lose weight. I am thinner than average in the United States. I look great when I dress for my figure. I will never be a supermodel. I don't have to do this- I could just accept my current body. But I want to be thinner. I want to be in a healthy weight range (I'm just over now). I want to not think about the extra heft bouncing on my thighs when I run. But I don't have to. I think it's time that I accept that distinction.

The first day of my first group therapy everyone kept saying that they felt like they had to be there. Several people said they felt like they would die if they didn't do something. I didn't feel that way. I didn't feel on the verge of something. I felt like nothing at all was going on in my life and I felt like I was only there because my therapist had been pushing it on me for a year in one on one. It changed my life. Looking back I think that part of the reason I felt this nothing was because I was so far past that breaking point everyone else was falling into. At some point I had gotten to the breaking point, likely in my senior year of college, and I had started pushing it down. I ignored the breaking point. And I became the eye of the storm. I felt like everything was fine, but I was taking all those emotions coming at me and whipping them off at other people. My therapist told me that I leaked anger, but I think it's more accurate to say that I hurled it. I could have lived like that forever.

My weight is not a problem. Whenever I get all gung ho about it I treat it like it is. So I'm going to go to meetings without the been here don't that chip on my shoulder. I'm going to try and hear it like I'm hearing it for the first time. I'm probably going to celebrate when I lose weight and get upset when I gain, but I'm just going to remind myself that it's not everything. Losing twenty pounds is not going to change my life. It's not going to make me better at anything. It's not going to make me think less. It's not going to improve my love life or my time management skills or get me a job. It's just a diet. All that other stuff is up to me.

Resolution '07

Think less. Meditate more.