The End

My best friend says he is not the guy. But that doesn't stop me from feeling that this is the worst day of my life. I succeed in pulling myself together long enough to attend a party with mutual friends for a few hours, but then, suddenly, I have to leave. I feel another minute in this location will kill me. The walls are closing in. I feel very much like when you have to vomit and all you can think about is gettting someplace safe to do it as soon as humanly possibly. Every time someone stops me to give me a hug on my way out I want to run. I get in the car, turn it on, and I am not even a block away when I start to sob. I wail uncontrollably and the last time I remember being this upset was the night I graduated from college, when I said goodbye to everyone outside of my family that I loved in the world, and didn't know when I might see them again. This was worst. I think of Irish wakes, and how they call it keening, and I feel very much like someone has died. The sounds I make are inhuman.

Maybe soon I will feel better. My very intelligent friends tell me that someday soon I won't even get why I loved him so much. But even this hurts me. And I try so hard not to make noise while I cry that will wake my roommate. I cry so hard I can't keep thoughts in my head. So every life preserver thrown to me is forgotten and I struggle against the water, unable to keep myself from going under. My dogs look at me with pity. And still, silently, gasping for air, I cry.

Comments

[miss kendra]

my dear,

i do not believe that it is true that you will forget why you loved someone. you just suddenly understand why it is that this was not enough. a bird and a fish could love one another completely, but where would they live?

i am home alone if you would like to escape for an hour or two.