Tomorrow is it, the big day for the big C. I've nearly convinced myself it's true now, looking at pictures and reading about treatments. I really do resemble those pictures of the disease, so I pray that I'll be lucky enough to have it be easily removed with lasers, instead of surgery and radiation.
I worry all the time, but seldom that I will die. I think about what would happen if they took my tongue, if they removed the whole thing in surgery. I dated a guy in high school who had lost part of his as a child, but it was minor enough that it doesn't answer my fears now. Then I think about radiation. If it's on my tongue would it still make me sterile? I want to be a mother so badly, and while I know I could adopt, and would gladly do so, I would like to have my birth child just once. I wonder also if they did have to laser cauterize, how long until I heal? How long until I can pretend it never happened? And if I do pretend it never happened, will it just happen again?
I don't care if they wire my jaw shut, if they remove some of it. I just want to come through it stronger and more whole. I want to understand how I can prevent it in the future. I always thought that some people with cancer had really brought it on in a way. All I did was bite my tongue. I'm so scared.
